In sickness and in Health: What if he cannot be there for you in sickness?

When sickness strikes, I am usually not prepared for the time and place. And I have not set up a plan of how to deal with it. I am caught unawares, and go through a period of time of discovering my new self, the sick self, who is very different from the healthy self I know myself to be.

As I have learnt in the past few weeks, sickness is something that comes, seeming out of nowhere. In my case, it had devastating effects. Many of the effects I did do not even think of when I am well. Some effects were shocking, and added to the ill-feeling, in a time when all I needed to focus on was getting well.

From one month to the next, a terrible backache struck me. I found it hard to move, to stay in a standing position for long times, failed to do the little things that I was so used to in my daily life, like getting up in bed, getting off the bed, sitting on the toilet seat to pee.

Leaving my workplace to go home for treatment was the best decision for me, so I thought. I would get better treatment, and I would be home, with my hubby, and my babies. This thought in itself made me think I would heal immediately, just by being home. All I thought of on the plane was when I would lay my eyes on my people and the joy that would infuse me. I dreamed of the care, the pampering they would shower me with. I imagined him, my hubby, spending loads of time by my bedside, holding my hand, caressing it, whispering to me to get better. I allowed myself to imagine him bringing me a cup of hot tea in the morning and wishing me a good day. I of course saw him driving me to the doctors, to be by my side at my appointments, in order to help me through the doctor discussions, especially as I was not too well-versed in this, having never been this ill since we married. Also, I saw him by my side at the doctors’, to help me with the language in which, although I get well by, am not too good at medical terms and the correct words that come with that.

At the airport, they appeared after some wait, my two babies. I was happy to be back after a long absence exacerbated by COVID. Getting home was more dramatic. I was shown into my room, a small cubicle. Thank God there was a room all to myself. It was also on the ground floor. Thank God that they remembered my painful knees. Then everyone disappeared. I climbed with difficulty onto my bed and waited. Till I came down and went by myself to the kitchen to make myself a tea.

When my hubby came home several hours after, he passed by and chatted a bit. He too disappeared, saying he was working from home.

The loneliness I felt in my room was sharper than when I was away at work at the other side of the world. Because now, I could feel them. That was my first slap. They were all busy on online school, or online work. I was more alone than ever. Forcing myself, I started working too, online, for fear of going crazy with the boredom.

After my quarantine period, I found myself going to doctors alone. There was no offer, no questions of how I was feeling, no tea brought to my bed, and no words of care.

My family and I met every day at the dinner table, because that is how my family organised their life while I was away. At dinner it was very hard for me to start the conversation of my illness, thinking to myself this has to be opened by them. I did not want to feel like I was begging for sympathy and love. I did not want to embarrass anyone by teaching them to care for the sick. By now they were already complaining about me being “dominant”.

But when nothing came, and this insensitivity as I regarded it became unbearable, I decided enough had been enough.

“People, don’t you care that I am unwell?”

“Oh, you look well to us. When you come in here to dinner, you look as jolly as ever. You smile, you laugh, you look strong.”

Ow! That was a punch. So looking strong in illness was my undoing! This was so new to me. What should I have done? Groaned all day and all night and ask for what. “Do you guys want to take care of me when I finally am unable to walk or would you rather help me get better so I do not get there?” No answers were offered.

Then the discussion went into something that I summarise below:

If you feel unwell, just tell us. Ask for what you want, need. We will definitely do it for you. But we will not put our priorities down the list to put yours up. And we will not guess what you want.

My head reeled. Was I home, or was I among the most uncaring strangers? Did I have to beg for care? Or, are they right? Was what I grew up with as normal not normal anymore?

So I decided to brave it all and go through this unpleasant time (alone) in order to go back to my workplace, where I had all the space I needed. To say I was disappointed is the calmest I could say.

What to do with this

My lessons were profound

The world is full of aloneness, even among the so-called loved ones. Plan for your off-work ill time as if you are alone. Do not put your trust in someone, for someone does not feel the pain you feel. Protect yourself as much as possible.

Intercultural miscommunication

In intercultural marriages, do not assume that what you grew up with is what you will get. Communication has to be at the forefront. But the communication has to flow both ways. Questions can play a big role in showing care.

Simple questions about how I was feeling could have opened doors for conveying the illness, the pain I felt. When someone is unwell, they need extra tenderness from the people around them. If those people do not provide it, the pains and aches worsen. And more dangers may follow.

Those far away in distance could be nearer to you than you think

When sick, do not feel sorry for yourself. Use what is at your disposal. And what is not. I had a lot of support from my sisters who were abroad, to talk through my pains and aches, while my immediate family was upstairs and downstairs. I also had great support from friends. They called, sent chat messages, and told me I would pull through and do great things afterwards. I also found these friends beautiful recipients of my feelings and insecurities. They were pillars for my recovery, both emotional and physical.

Not only your body gets sick

Like my family said to me, I say it to everyone else. Ask for what help you need. It may be refused, it may be denied, but making your wishes known is quite a good way to ensure your comfort. While I wanted to show strength, I suffered weakness in that my feelings were of neglect and being discarded, a sure way to worsen the health. The body pains get accentuated by the emotional and spiritual pains of neglect.

In illness, I felt a very deep vulnerability. Focussing on getting better was draining. Sometimes I was weak, even too weak to think. Sometimes, I felt just that I did not want or could not do it. I blamed myself for getting sick, although I did not invite the illness. And so I battered myself emotionally, something I could not afford from the energy point of view.

Allow yourself to feel weak

In sickness, the body is well weakened. The things I could not do at this time were enormous. Even thinking about tasks sometimes hurts my brain and my body. Let alone do the tasks. While my thoughts were not to be burdensome on my people, I gave myself a bigger burden to carry and ended up dismally incapable. Sharing the burden by showing weakness would have helped me a lot to get the help I needed.

People can do a lot for each other in this time of sickness. Realising I did not get help because I was strong was contradictory to my expectations, or to what I was accustomed to. Reshaping my thoughts was impossible at that time of vulnerability, because I felt weak, and did not know I was acting or appearing strong to my people. I thought I appeared as weak as I felt. Only now, looking back I see what they must have seen.

You deserve every ounce of help

Whatever I felt, whatever I decided, when I look back, I now know that I deserved every piece of help that my family could have given me (had I asked for it). Feeling and reasoning that I did not (deserve) to disturb their routines, to ask for their help, to demand their attention, may have stemmed from an insecurity, from a feeling of not deserving. In my weakened state, I may have felt undeserving. But now that I am well, I know I deserved better treatment, I deserved every bit of it. I should have demanded it. I also feel strong enough to face it and tell of what didn't go right, and prepare them for the future, if anyone else got sick. But more importantly, I have learnt that if they will not take care, I have to change my situation. That thought empowers me immensely.

The biggest question

If he is not there at the time of illness, how does he want to be there in times of wellness? I ask myself, shaking my head at all the revelations that come with illness.