Tackling the in-law relationships
Why do marriages and weddings bring about that deep-seated unhappiness, which is in stark contrast to the joy that it should give, that the invited guests display? Why do brides cry? Having observed, listened to, and lived through many marriages, this piece is from the African point of view.
Agony in the place of joy
The bride, young, supple, full, and radiant with expectation, and with the joy of finally wedding her charm, is led gently by her maids to the seat of the parental entourage. She kneels before her mother-in law, and offers her gifts to them, preferring the basket with two hands, as is the sign of respect and love. The mother in law lifts the white lace cover, runs her eyes on the glittering gold trinkets and rings. She puts back the cover and looks away, her face contorted, not in the joy that the bride had expected to see, but with disgust, with rejection, with … was that an indication of insult? The father-in-law claps his hands in thanks, and takes the basket from his daughter-in-law, the bride, thanks her, and places the basket by his side, whispering to his wife that she is behaving badly.
The bride is led away by her maids.
Then it is the turn of the groom. In like manner, he is accompanied by his train. He kneels on one knee before his mother-in-law, and proffers his own basket of gifts. His mother in law, the mother of his bride, opens the lacy cover, hardly looks at the gifts, and lets out the sweetest ululation at what her new son has done for her.
The audience wonders what the son’s mother did not like from the bride’s gifts. But they neither worry much nor long. They have seen it before. They had expected it. Only the newly-weds had not expected it. So they ache inside. The bride cannot take it. She will ask her new husband at home. For now, she smiles at her guests, she moves from group to group, she hangs on the elbow of her young promising man. This day should be the best. Sadness should be banished to the back of the mind, to the dark abyss.
Only the beginning
Little does she know that what she just witnessed is the slightest tip of the iceberg, the teaser, the appetizer.
Some months pass, as the new couple settles into its own life, and moves back to the city. In the village, the bride’s mother is openly ecstatic. She sings the praises of her son-in-law. “Did you know he has just completed his medical doctor’s degree? Did you not see at the wedding how his eyes shone when he looked at my Felicity?” The village is pummeled with such talks. They smile into their armpits, and scratch the heels of their palms, for they know there is no reciprocation from the other family.
They have heard the groom’s mother complain endlessly, about almost everything Felicity is and does.
Attitudes, jealousies, hatreds
“How do you call her my daughter in law” Felicity’s mother in law fumes. “This good-for-nothing woman, who cannot make a fire in the hearth in the morning? Oh! why do I even talk of the morning, she wakes up at midday, when all people have finished their work.” The mother spits in disgust to the ground. “How could my great Benjamin, my real Benji, my only son, have been so blinded as to take HER? He could have married Maria. Maria works hard. He could have married Angelina. Angie is full of respect. He could have married….!”
Felicity knows her new role. Isn’t it the ultimate that she was groomed for? All those talks with her mother. All those tips and pieces of advice. She is ready for this. She hears her mother’s voice,
“Once you are married, my girl, you have been blessed. You must look after your husband like he is your baby … men are always babies, you know?” and she winks at her daughter. She takes her daughter’s hand in hers. “The most important clue to marital success is to be friends with his mother. She is the one who holds the key to his heart. Once she is on your side, you will have made it!”
It is these words from years ago that torment her today, for then, it should have been an easy thing. Today, she knows his mother is impossible to please. Has she not tried several times? The wedding rejection of her gifts stings her afresh, and she breaks down weeping. “What wrong did I do to her? It was Benji himself who chose those gifts, saying his mother would love me for presenting them. What happened?” She weeps with the frustration of not knowing.
Where good intentions sting
An answer presents itself within her tears. She will ask Benjamin if they can visit the village and see his mother. Maybe now after the stress of the wedding, she can make something right. Benjamin is not keen to leave the city. She thinks, he is being a baby, like Mama said. So she pushes.
“Why does it have to be so difficult? Everything was flowing when we were dating. Even his mother loved and approved of me,” she thought in bitter disappointment.
Parking their shiny car in the yard, Mama comes out of her hut and squints at the machine, shaking her head as she moves around it, feeling it, admiring it. Or was she? Then she embraces Benjamin, who had come out of the driver’s side, the keys hanging in his right hand. She has a profuse lot of words and sayings that she lets out in a stream as she holds Benjamin in her embrace.
“You now drive this beautiful machine, my baby, who I raised on the money from making and selling clay pots! You who I raised out of every drop of sweat that my body could produce! The heavens have eyes, for sure. But this means you have loads of money now. You receive your salary by the hat! Thank you, my baby boy!” She did a few steps of her traditional dance, jumping. and making a swirl to the left on falling back to the ground, repeated to swirl to the right. And a few tears rolled down her face, drying immediately as she saw Felicity emerging from the far side of the car.
Her face shriveled at the sight of Felicity, who she did not endear with a hug, but only a “Hallo there, muroora!” a subdued voice and face emitted this greeting.
The visitors are led into the hut, where the talk quickly goes in the direction of a tirade, directed at his son. “So, you now make money, and you forget me, me who gave life to you! You now use your money on your woman, this woman who is a parasite! And, when is the parasite multiplying!? I expected that now you are a fully-fledged doctor, you were going to earn your money and give me the full salary, and let me be the one to give you your pocket money, just like I used to give you from my clay pots! Surely, Benji, you are a disappointment. You break my heart, Benji…”
She began to sob into the corner of her headdress.
Analysis
Felicity is not alone. After this visit, she is in fear of her marriage breaking apart. Being called a parasite, although she is working herself, and bringing in money substantial to her new family, has struck a bad chord in her heart. And Benjamin had not defended her in front of his mother! Does this mean he agreed with his mother?
The whole marriage relationship is mostly in the hands of the mother-in las and her daughter-in-law. It is centered on the resources pivot. The love, or lack of love displayed towards a daughter-in-law is based on the premise, usually by the mother-in-law, that the girl has come to take the son away. Taking the son away also means, in the eyes of the son’s mother, taking the affection, swaying the son's heart from the mother, taking the monetary resources that would otherwise come to the parents, away. This puts immense pressure on the new relationship that is being built, threatening it with failure right from the beginning.
Unfairly, the daughter-in-law is judged long before she comes. She is not given the chance to support the parents of her husband before she is harassed about these things. The harassment acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. It breaks the son’s heart, who now feels pressed to take sides with his mother, or with his wife. He sees his mother like this for the first time. He does not know how to deal with this. Such unnecessary strain on him and on his marriage is torment.
Being mostly patriarchal, Africa generally places the financial responsibility for the parents’ later life onto the shoulders of the sons. Therefore, while the son is praised and pampered, everything the son touches is scrutinized minutely, with the view to see if it will fit in with the plans, or if it will mean less for the parents, especially the mother of the son.
The major discrepancy comes from the fact that the daughters are brought up to adore their husbands, to be peace-makers in their new families, and to be perseverant. No one knows beforehand what her new family is going to be. The young woman comes full of naivete. But the fear and suspicion of the mother-in-law could be an ingrained opinion. Most daughters-in-law discuss these issues, at the well, at the baby clinic, on the way to church, wherever they meet.
Call for change of heart and attitudes
It is my conviction that if all women knew, and were aware of these relations, these jealousies, and learned from them, and decide to be better mothers-in-law, our African society could build better woman-woman relationships. The mother-in-law has the power in her hands to change this dynamic. It is my hope that newer, more educated mothers in law take this upon themselves to move for change.
